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Got Disappointment?
There’s that silly argument about disappointment that goes something like this: since you don’t live in a hut, and you’re not a slave, and you’re not starving, then you have no right to be disappointed. It’s silly because it doesn’t understand the nature of disappointment. It’s not about what you have, it’s about what you want.
Well... I want things. There, I said it.
I want a nice place to live. I want a satisfying career. I want a healthy bank account. I want a just society. I want my partner to care about me. I want my family to get along. I want, I want, I want... and I’m disappointed.
So the solution, I’m told, is simple. Don’t want. Renunciate desires. No wanting = no disappointment.
And I get it, I do. It makes logical sense. Remove the root of the problem, and all that. What I can’t wrap my head around is living in a state of non-wanting. Perhaps that’s the rub. Isn’t it also healthy to want?
Should I live in a way that I don’t want a nice place to live? Or want my partner to show she cares? What kind of person would I be? I end up in a shit-hole with an abusive partner, but I’m happy? Would you believe me if I told you I loved my life in those conditions? No, you’d think I was delusional, and you would probably be right.
So, what’s missing? There has to be another piece.
I struggle with this mightily, every minute of every day, but I think it has something to do with identification with what is missing, rather than what is present. Ken McLeod had a nice piece about this recently. It’s when we feel that something is missing that troubles arise. Here’s McLeod:
Why do we pursue these desires if they cannot be satisfied? The mechanism of desire is based on a belief: I am incomplete as I am now. Desire is misdirected yearning that tries to correct the imbalance created by that belief. The belief, in turn, is based on a misperception: I am separate from what I experience. We reach out to the world of experience, identify objects that sing the siren song of completion, and strive to get them.
I struggle with this mightily, every minute of every day, but I think it has something to do with identification with what is missing, rather than what is present. Ken McLeod had a nice piece about this recently. It’s when we feel that something is missing that troubles arise. Here’s McLeod:
Why do we pursue these desires if they cannot be satisfied? The mechanism of desire is based on a belief: I am incomplete as I am now. Desire is misdirected yearning that tries to correct the imbalance created by that belief. The belief, in turn, is based on a misperception: I am separate from what I experience. We reach out to the world of experience, identify objects that sing the siren song of completion, and strive to get them.
The solution then becomes one of being at peace with the incomplete state, and understanding that efforts to be anything but as we are, flawed and fractured, are fruitless. But it does not mean accepting a poor state of being.
You have a right to be disappointed. You have a right to want. You just need to be okay with it.
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