I rather pay a short, but deep price for awareness then go one MOMENT of life UNAWARE!

I am not sure how to begin my journal, so I begin with my title - short, but deeply profound.....

I rather be AWARE, then ever go a moment as UNAWARE as I HAD BEEN! Though the price is deep, it is WELL worth each and every moment, and hopefully - one day - that price gets a but less...

Bit by bit...and though awareness, and yes, even unawareness always continues, the deepness of the price gets a bit lighter to carry.

I am a curious person = I once said, "I never met a cat killed by a genuine yearning and longing to gain wisdom, strength, and knowledge...who cared so deeply, has so much compassion and love to offer.....

Yet,  I have met and seen some who have not only suffered greatly, but been KILLED by sheer ignorance - for ignorance is ANYTHING but BLISS."

So, first journal entry on this site! I am mixed with fear, caution, anxiety....hope, faith, promise....so MANY emotions' for a 1st entry due to the anticipation perhaps most of the response I may get back.  

Sometimes, when I feel my awareness kicking in, I wonder if it is actually just about "BEING" in that moment - noticing what I am gaining, or even sometimes, losing...but at least I CAN "BE" if just that and take notice.

What seems' hard for me sometimes, is I used to have more unawareness then awareness. I would not go so far to say I was ignorant, but I kind of assumed that EVERYONE in the world wanted for the best - wether that heal and being healed in sharing, loving and being loved in LOVING!...or however you might want to say it - that EVERYONE was out for the greater good of humanity, but I am just realizing that while this may by the majority - it is not EVERYONE, and I have just been finally coming onto my own in realization that "Evil" actually does exist, just as suffering does. I went around for a long time not even believing in "Evil" because I just thought there where/are a lot of really sick people who need help and our society - our world, as a collective whole just does not have the means yet to KNOW HOW to help these individuals' in terms of CHANGING their ways' and not committing any "Evil" Acts'. So,I admit - EVIL exist, but I actually still do not believe a person is evil - rather what they may say or do IS - so what do I do with this awareness? How do I walk out my door, knowing I cannot change anyone but me and the way I respond to this? How do I go on without a lot of fear? 

I suppose some is justifiable as when I say I have met those KILLED by ignorance, and I was not ignorant, but I was very unaware at how to pick up certain social cues and that in and of itself led to a severe trauma that I endured in being attacked. After the attack, I walked away, barely surviving it - finding it REALLY easy to justify what they did - forgive them, but me, I HATED. Closure - which I believe to be a more "American Concept" for those who cannot sit with the fact most often, there is none - was something I realized the closest I will get to from the attack is FORGIVENESS - of me, not them.  They play on something that is BOTH one of my greatest strengths' - and greatest weaknesses' - they played on the fact I thought if someone, anyone asked for HELP, they would need it - so , I went off to help them and now you realize the outcome - I don't know how I managed to survive, but I do now know, I am scared to walk out my door - not just from that attack, but many that have accumulated though-out the years' - that I felt if I hid from anyone - it would be best for BOTH parties because not only did I want to take much to my grave, but what good would telling on them do? I just wanted them to get help - find someone out there who could DO some form of rehabilitation and I even worried they might go to jail because what good would that even do? The only good I could think of was it would not happen to another person - and that was the ONLY reason I really told about 2 of my attacks'.  I sort of regret telling because the 1st time I told, even though the person got put on the sexual offenders' list and 5 years probation because the D.A. did not feel they had enough evidence - I was still left to carry the burden of the shame, alone..because I still held back, even the severity of what occurred that night.  The LAST attack - took me MONTHS to come foreword and share for so many reasons' - including that night when I was taken up to 2 uniformed police officers' and fell to the ground crying, speechless in the face of their numerous questions' - they told me, if I could not talk, they could not help and left me alone, on the ground, crying.....I managed to get to a hospital the next morning but refused to report until I saw my private therapist, when I asked if I should go to the police - said,  "No, not now, I think you should wait."  I did just that and as the months wore on and I got sicker, both physically and emotionally, I came to a point where I HAD to go and report because what if it happened to someone else? It would be ALL my fault, just like me believing they needed help was..I would fail, again.

So, I suppose in my 1st Journal Entry, I try to take solace in now I am at least writing about it some more, even if only online and not having to look at someone and share it - for me that provides a much needed buffer. I sometimes freeze up in front of others' and cannot get 1 single word out of my mouth when I see them looking at me. 

In this moment, I find myself GRATEFUL for the IDP website, where I can share this and know it is safe place to write. Thank you, it has been an honor to write my 1st entry and it took me months' and months' to even BEGIN to share on here. I am glad I have and also, nervous and scared that many who read this may not be able to handle, what I wrote......

Heal and BE HEALED - SHARE in the amazing solace found in just this, even by way of journaling.

Warmly,

Just another human being - perhaps that stranger walking next to you, who just needed to get heard (or read!).

~ Peace