Being a Being

"Our most fundamental sense of well-being is derived from the conscious experience of belonging. Relatedness is essential to survival."

Tara Brach

We get older in illogical increments. Birthdays pass and pass, but there are some years, months, seasons or weeks in which you suddenly grow older, you feel older, much like the growth spurts of adolescents. “She just shot up overnight,” we always say.

I have been around long enough for a few of these growth spurts. Some bring me closer to others; some bring loneliness. For me, maturing has meant facing this contradiction: that I am here with others and at any moment I can feel part of the various beings around me, and there is a sort of root aloneness in being a being that cannot be cured.

I have been lucky to live in a big city my entire life, surrounded constantly by millions of beings. The first part of the contradiction, that we can feel accompanied at any time, is challenging. Most of our conditioning in this country teaches us that we are separate from others, except maybe our families and our romantic partner. This allows us to ignore the struggles of other people who are right in front of us. We defend ourselves from the very notion of connecting with “strangers.” We can only take care of our own. When we leave our community, our family, our block, we no longer feel ok, nurtured.

The second part of the contradiction of maturity is that we are, at the root of things, alone. With each growth spurt, I notice ways that I do not identify with my loved ones, with this society. I even see how I do not identify with my own ideas. In that storm, I see how, even if I find love one day, it will not cure aloneness. It will not give me a mold to solidify into.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am still a child, struggling incessantly with the basic day-to-day of life, but these growth spurts reveal more and more that I cannot hide. I can’t hide in the crowd of beings and I cannot hide in my being. I can, however, practice feeling connected to others in any moment.